DEAR MAN - Your guide to getting what you want more effectively

Interpersonal Effectiveness Handouts 4 and 5

One of the biggest struggles that I, and others I’ve worked with, have had when it comes to interpersonal relationships is knowing how to effectively get what you want from your relationships. Most relationships are transactional, meaning that there are patterns of exchange that happen between the people in them. Whether it be emotional, experiential, or otherwise, relationships are a pattern of exchanges between two or more people. If we can learn to effectively and strategically  navigate these things, we can flourish in all of our relationships. We can relate more effectively with our co-workers, we can meet new people and develop new friendships more easily, we can deepen and strengthen friendships or reconnect with old friends, or we can deepen our bond to our partner. 

First and foremost, a couple of basic questions you can ask yourself and keep in mind as we dive deeper into this skill area: 

1. What specific results of changes do I want from this interaction? 

2. What do I have to do to get the results that I want? 

3. How do I want the other person to feel about me after the interaction is over (regardless of whether I get what I want from them or not) 

4. What do I have to do to get (or keep) this relationship? 

5. How do I want to feel about myself after the interaction is over? 

6. What do I have to do to feel the way I want to about myself? 

As we talk about DEAR MAN, I want you to consider how these questions may apply in situations where you are asking for something you need or want from another person. DBT is full of acronyms, and today we are diving into our first one: DEAR MAN.

• D = Describe the situation, stick to the facts. 

• E = Express the impact it had on you. 

• A = Assert what you need or don’t want from the other person. 

• R = Reinforce so they can better understand how to support your. 

• M = Be mindful

• A = Appear confident

• N = Negotiate

Out of context, these words might be confusing so let’s talk about them in turn. In order to be effective, we have to be able to describe the current situation while challenging ourselves to stick to the facts. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to in as finite of detail as possible. An example might be: “You told me you’d be home by dinner time, but you weren’t here until 11pm”. There is no judgment there, simply just stating the facts of the situation. Once we’ve described, we then express. We have to become adept at recognizing that other people cannot read our minds. Expressing gives us an opportunity to let the other person know how their actions made us feel (i.e. “It makes me feel really worried when you come home so late”). Again, without assuming others can read our mind, assert specifically what we want or don’t want from a situation. Perhaps this can look like saying “It would be helpful for me if you would let me know that you’re running late”. Finally, reinforce for the person why this would be meaningful for you. If the person cares about you, this can be the final thing that helps solidify in their mind why it is important to you. An example could be, “It would help me feel less stressed when you get home and helps me stay effective in managing my emotions,” 

In order to do all of this effectively, we have to implement the aspects of the MAN part of DEAR MAN. Being mindful, as discussed in previous posts, allows us to stay in the moment and be present and focused on our goals and objectives. Most often, in situations like the ones used above as examples, we are operating from Emotional Mind. Staying mindful can help us to access the wisdom of a wise mind, the peaceful balance between logic and emotion. Appearing confident helps reinforce that this is important to us. Maintaining eye contact, calmly speaking, using a confident tone and physical manner (even if we’re acting or pretending at first) will help us to get what we need more effectively. 

Finally, as with all relationships, the art of negotiation is a valuable tool. We cannot always get exactly what we want from others. Most situations become exponentially more complex as soon as we bring in another person’s worldviews, traumas, experiences, and baggage. But, learning to negotiate by brainstorming other solutions with the person, or being willing to make amendments to your requests to make it more possible for the other person to meet the need, can make getting what you want much easier. 

Once you learn how to do this skill, you are set for all of the other skills we will discuss in this skill area, and will be better equipped to handle conflict, negotiation, and even the good and great times in your relationships. Be well, folks.